Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
i saw like six of her guido cousins in the jersey shore trailer alone. her family is having a dinner party for the premiere tonight.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize
