Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Randomize
