Whatcha textin bout Willis?
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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