why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Randomize
