My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
