His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
So apparently I’m into choking now
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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