He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
