I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
Who died my cat blue again?
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Randomize