my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
