If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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