just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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