Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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