i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Randomize
