Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Randomize
