i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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