I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
