just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
last night I used snow as a chaser
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
Randomize
