I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
