i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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