There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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