If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Randomize
