if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
