I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Randomize
