So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
