So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Randomize
