I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Your shirt... Was in my pants
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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