I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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