Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
