i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
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