Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
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