We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
Randomize
