just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Randomize
