she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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