He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
