now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
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