I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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