1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
Randomize
