smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Randomize
