you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
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