The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
you mean i was at the winter classic?
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
