i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
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