So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
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