3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
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