a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize