im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
Randomize
