Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize