I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Randomize
