went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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