Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Randomize
