He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
