ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
Who died my cat blue again?
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
