Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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