remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
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