I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
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