I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
So many bounce houses so little time
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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