can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
