I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize