ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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