Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize
