is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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